You Know You Live in Mexico When...

jennifer j. rose

Mexico Connect Forum Discussion Threads

Posted by jennifer rose on Abril 03, 2000

From another mailing list:

You know you live or you’ve lived in Mexico when……..
[Let’s add to this list]

-A wedding is at 8:00 p.m., you get there at 10:00 p.m. and nobody has arrived yet.
-You will often have lunch and dinner at the same restaurant on the same day…without actually leaving
-You believe a shot of tequila cures everything.
-You have more prescription drugs in your toiletry bag than Eckerd does and you don’t have an actual prescription for a single one.
-You bring along small cans of chilies when traveling to Europe.
-Leaving the office at 5:00 p.m. means working a “half day”.
-Returning to the office after “la comida” on Friday means you’re “un pinche gato”.
-You blame the traffic on the rich.
-You blame the crime on the poor.
-You blame the PRI for almost everything else.
-You blame los “pinches gringos” for whatever’s left.
-The word “Puente” means five-day weekend.
-You enjoy drinking beer with lime, salt, ice, Tabasco sauce and still think it’s the orange juice in the morning that gives you heartburn.
-“Licenciado” is a proper name.
-If you order the tacos and your friend orders the enchiladas, you’re positive the waiter will get it backwards.
-You go “pssssst” to catch a waiter’s attention… in New York City.
-You refer to “@” as “Arroba” but have no clue what it means.
-You use the word “este” as a conversational filter… in English.
-You say “Bueno” when answering a telephone… in English.
-You say “Mande” when someone calls you…in English.
-You keep on addressing good friends as barnyard animals. (“Buey” & “Cabron” are the animals most often employed).
-You refer to a salesman as “maestro”… at Saks Fifth Avenue.
-You eat tacos, enchiladas, morcilla, moronga, and medula, but believe hamburgers are unhealthy.
-When someone tells you “I’ll call you,” you assume that he won’t.
-You know “a ver cuando nos vemos” actually means “I really don’t care if I don’t see you anytime soon”.
-“Tomorrow” means “not right now”, “never”, or “screw you.”
-Calling in sick on Monday is proper behavior.
-You keep a 20-dollar bill taped to the back of your driver’s license.
-If you want 50 people to show up for your party, you invite 150.
-You call an 80 year-old waiter “joven”.
-You call a twenty year-old waiter “viejo.”
-You call everyone else,”hermano”, “mano”, or “manito”.
-But you call your real brother, “pendejo.”
-You never refer to a friend’s mother as simply “su madre”, but always qualify by saying, “su señora madre”, or ” su querida madre”, to avoid a misunderstanding which could get you a “madrazo.”
-You assume women fall into three categories: virgins, whores or your mother.
-You assume your daughters are virgins because they get home before you do at night.
-You profess, “como Mexico no hay dos”, but secretly wish Mexico City was more like San Antonio.
-You think the next “Sexenio” and “The President” always will be better.

Posted by David Eidell on Abril 05, 2000

You rage silently at the site of your burgled house so that you won’t alert the police.

Posted by David Lida on Abril 04, 2000

Imagine if a Mexican would read your humorous list. They might find it equally “funny” as you will the following:

150 reasons why WE hate gringos

1. Because of Proposition 187.
2. Because they measure everything in football fields.
3. Because of Ross Perot.
4. Because… who wants an uncle named Sam?
5. Because of Texas, California, New Mexico, Arizona and Colorado.
6. Remember the Alamo?
7. Because they don’t even know how to pronounce their cities’ names… let’s see them try to say Amarillo or Sacramento.
8. Because they can’t dance.
9. And they think La Macarena is what foreign music is all about.
10. Because no matter how many geography lessons they take, they will never understand that America is a continent, and not their country.
11. But they think of themselves as the only “Americans.”
12. Because their permanent visas aren’t permanent anymore.
13. Because… why go to Europe when they have Epcot?
14. Because if they do go, their first visit is EuroDisney.
15. And the second is McDonalds.
16. Because they put ketchup on absolutely everything.
17. And count how many burgers they’ve sold.
18. Because they eat neon-colored cereal.
19. Because they put cheddar cheese on their “tacos.”
20. Because Operation Just Cause was anything but.
21. Because of plastic plants and flowers.
22. Because they put whipped cream in their cappuccinos.
23. Because of Taco Hell -er- Bell.
24. Because of the Atkins diet.
25. And for all the Low-Fat and Sugar-Free products.
26. Because they think Budweiser is the best beer in the world.
27. Because they prefer a glass of Jack Daniels to the best scotch.
28. Because they can consume crack, heroin or cocaine.
29. But they can’t drink water in Mexico.
30. Because any minor crosses the border and gets drunk.
31. Because they criticize Colombia as the country that produces the most cocaine.
32. But they are the ones who consume it the most.
33. Because they have to “certify” other countries.
34. Because they feel identified with Forrest Gump
35. Because they can’t understand Woody Allen.
36. Because Hollywood teaches them history.
37. Because of Walt Disney.
38. And Mickey Mouse.
39. Because of Dolly Parton.
40. …And DollyWood!
41. Because they think E.T. is really an extra-terrestrial.
42. And think the same of Alf.
43. Because they miss Johnny Carson.
44. Because a movie without a car chase is not a movie.
45. Because they can shoot a movie in Mexico and say it is Columbia, Argentina, Chile or Peru . . .it’s the same, anyway!
46. And they think Arnold Schwarzenegger is an excellent actor.
47. Because Steven Spielberg makes them think.
48. And they still think Elvis is alive
49. And that JFK was only a movie.
50. Because they had a President who was a second-rate actor.
51. Who didn’t believe in evolution.
52. Because their vice-president couldn’t spell “potato.”
53. And now they call their President “Bill.”
54. Because they think they have freedom of expression.
55. But buy newspapers only for the coupons.
56. Because their greatest entertainment is going to the Mall.
57. Or watching the TV bi-dimensional version of life.
58. Because if it’s not on TV it doesn’t exist.
59. Because nobody talks about Grenada.
60. Because they buy everything on credit.
61. Because even though they live immersed in a capitalist and consumerist society, they don’t know who Marx was.
62. Or the only Marx they know is Groucho.
63. Because one of the most important and transcendental decisions in their lives are Coke or Pepsi, McDonalds or Burger King, Reebok or Nike, Schwarzenegger or Stallone.
64. And they can’t decide even that.
65. Because the only word they know in Spanish is “burrito”… and they can’t pronounce it.
66. Because as much as we explain “La Bamba” is not Mexico’s national anthem, they’ll never believe us.
67. Because they’re “Proud to be an American.”
68. Because they think English is the universal language …but they don’t understand British English.
69. Because Las Vegas is their idea of glamor.
70. Because they can’t live without their dog.
71. And take “doggie bags” but eat what’s inside themselves.
72. Because they can spend on a bad movie what could feed millions.
73. And pay to see it.
74. Because they fight for “democracy” only where there’s oil.
75. Because of “new wave music.”
76. And Michael Jackson.
77. And Prince.
78. Because anybody can be a star and an actor and football player at the same time.
79. …And can kill his wife and hire the best lawyers and wait for months for a favorable jury to appear.
80. Because of the black slaves… that still exist.
81. Because they called black colored.
82. And call Latinos Hispanic.
83. Because there a mother can kill her children and convince millions that a black man kidnapped them.
84. Because of Anita Hill.
85. Because of Rodney King.
86. And Pocahontas and The Lion King.
87. Because winning is all that matters.
88. Because of the riots.
89. Because they give guns to children so they will kill each other.
90. Because of WASP supremacy.
91. Because of skinheads.
92. And the Ku-Klux-Klan.
93. Because their national anthem touches their hearts.
94. Because in the land of the free, Native Americans are the least free of all.
95. Because they killed the majority of them.
96. Because they put the rest in reservations.
97. But Dances with Wolves got many Oscars.
98. And “Oscar” is a registered trademark.
99. Because of Napalm.
100. Because the melting pot never melted anything.
101. Because everyone is a minority.
102. Because of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
103. Because of the CIA.
104. And the FBI.
105. And all cover operations.
106. Because they’re addicted to Prozac.
107. …Among other things.
108. (Like bubble gum).
109. Because of talk shows.
110. Because of serial killers.
111. Because they can sue anyone for anything.
112. Because of the National Rifle Association.
113. Because of the embargo to Cuba.
114. Because of the Panama Canal.
115. Because they get mixed up between Spain and Mexico.
116. Because only they play in their World Series.
117. Because they don’t know soccer.
118. But host a World Cup.
119. Because of their proms and homecoming queens.
120. Because of their corsages and limos.
121. Because the Statue of Liberty looks towards Europe.
122. Because not all “poor and huddled masses” are welcome.
123. Because they have no history… except the pilgrims?
124. Because of the infomercials they export.
125. Because they eat TV dinners.
126. Because of what they did to the pizza.
127. Because they think the microwave is the greatest invention on earth.
128. Because if they go abroad (even if it’s to Finland) they dress in shorts and a Hawaiian shirt.
129. And they go in a tour and they put on a sticker that says “Hi, my name is…”
130. And they use their nickname.
131. Because they mention hell and Montezuma’s revenge every time they get diarrhea.
132. Because they don’t even know who Montezuma was.
133. Because they’re still wondering who framed Roger Rabbit.
134. But trust the sequel will enlighten them.
135. Because they don’t get tired of second and third parts.
136. Because they think “Friday the Thirteenth” is a series of 13 movies and have to see them all.
137. Because they enjoy them.
138. And later rent them.
139. Because they admire Jim Carrey.
140. And Beavis and Butthead are role models.
141. Because Stephen King is literature to them.
142. Because their roommates are their family.
143. Because they have no mother.
144. Or grandmother.
145. Because they believe so much in God, that even their dollars say it.
146. Because of Jimmy Swaggart and Bill Baker and religious TV.
147. Because they go home only for Thanksgiving.
148. Because they think every teenager should be like Brandon and Brenda.
149. Because of the Helms-Burton.
150. Because despite all of this, they are still able to control us.

Very amusing. I really enjoyed it.

Posted by jennifer rose on Abril 04, 2000

My dear, a Mexican did write that list.

Posted by david lida on Abril 04, 2000

That may be so, my dear, but I’ve only had it passed around – numerous times – by gringos. And its supposed origin doesn’t make it any funnier. My dear.

Posted by John Cummings on Abril 08, 2000

Lighten up David. Jennifer’s list is humorous and she meant no harm. Somehow your list is supposedly OK but hers is not. At least her list does not start off with ‘hate’ which is what I am afraid you seem to have. In any event, it is not a big deal.

Posted by Andy in Dallas on Abril 05, 2000

Yes, my two dears, but did a Mexican ever READ it????

Posted by Zita on Abril 04, 2000

I’m a “Gringa” now, born in Mexico, and they’re the funniest “lists” I have ever read about the subject, and a nice change from the more serious questions that all of you are so kind to answer, thank you!!

Posted by David Eidell on Abril 03, 2000

You find yourself carrying a roll of toilet paper everywhere you go.
With a red face you realize that you’ve just shouted “CAYETE” at a dog while visiting a friend in Provo.
When using the sanatario in Atlanta you find yourself trying to put soiled toilet tissue in a wastebasket.
You catch a Detroit waiter’s attention with “Oye.”
You pause undecided when faced with three competing gas stations on one corner.
It storms and the lights don’t go out.
It doesn’t storm and the lights don’t go out.
The prices in the produce department border on highway robbery.
A smooth ride in a car makes you pull over to the curb in fright.
You search for Topes as you arrive in each small town.
You find yourself reaching for a non-existent tortilla at the table.
You expect the salesman to say “No Hay” when asking for a car part.
You automatically decide how much money is in your wallet/purse by the color of the banknotes.
You despair when you’re thirsty and don’t see a garrafon dispenser.
You realize with a start that the highway patrolman is after YOU.
Where are the Green Angels?

Posted by Oso on Abril 03, 2000

Your favorite football team is called the striped goats and you find it necessary to say “American football” when discussing Cowboys vs. Packers.
Your car gets stuck in the sand arriving at a party and you go on in and leave getting it out for later.
You take “power naps” after lunch and go out to eat at midnight.

Posted by val on Abril 04, 2000

Whenever there is a mishap you search for limon.
When not a soul knows what is happening today, for sure there will be a major fiesta staged out of nowhere in two hours.
When in another country you find yourself explaining impatiently that THAT is not a real taco.

Posted by Andy in Dallas on Abril 04, 2000

You can get you windshield cleaned without having to ask for it…..

Posted by tony ferrell on Abril 04, 2000

When you only know people by either their nickname or how they are related to someone else or both.
When Monday means so and so is selling tacos tonight, Tuesdays means so and so is selling sopes. Wednesday means mole etc, etc.
When you try to leave a party at 1:30am and someone’s grandmother asks why you are leaving so early.
When you eat half your meals at places that have a tarp for a roof.
When the busboy is giving you better than service than your waiter.

Posted by alex in TJ on Abril 04, 2000

The sound of a blaring horn from a big truck with no muffler means the bottled water guy is coming,
The same sound accompanied by a clanging chain is the LP gas truck.
A little car with big loudspeakers is the Tamales Calientitos guy,
A rash of car alarms and screams of delight means the neighborhood kids are healthy.

Alex

Posted by pamela on Abril 07, 2000

You know that lipstick smudge is on your cheek while you’re out in public, but you just don’t care.
You see folks in public with lipstick smudges on their cheeks, but you know that they just don’t care.

Posted by alex in TJ on Abril 10, 2000

Where were you when I was dating?